Trying to get love?

It’s been almost three years after two failed relationships and one cheating boyfriend, Phumela asks herself if she would ever have a matured boyfriend or fiancée... let alone get married like her friends. When by herself, her frequent question is “what is the ‘turn off’ good men see in me?” and concludes with "I need just one man in my life."

Religious assemblies, weddings and other modest gatherings are good places men of ideals attend. "Yes I attend friend's and families' weddings but interested males  either make it clear they not looking for a relationship or bluntly ask me if I'm interested in 'passing the night' with them."

Her questions are "Where is my real lasting man that’ll love me and grow old with me? Or do I probably need to 'loosen up' a little maybe I’ll get lucky?"

 

There are quite a number of people on the surface of the earth that aren’t looking or money, fame or substance as they live. Of course they would like to have these things but they are not craving them as much as they want to have ‘love’. Many are children while a substantial number are adults.

It is a very normal feeling to ‘desire for love’ as humans. Children from many troubled homes satisfy this desire by having a ‘special friend’ that they cleave more to than family members while most adults of course do what adults do; get into relationships with the opposite gender. Although this has become a trend, in order to have that desired affection from some else, many have to continually sacrifice who they are in order to be loved. That is not healthy and most importantly leaves them unhappy and later depressed.

As human beings, we all want someone to accept us for who we are. If you’re in a relationship where you can’t just be you, maybe it’s time to take another look at that relationship and see if it is really worth the effort and time.

I would run through some things you should and shouldn’t do to get people to love you. If what you plant to do or are doing are in the “shouldn’ts”, then you really need to revise your plan or relationship as the case may be.

·         We all have our unique individuality, uniqueness and personality that gives us an identity. No one should lose his/her identity over love. It is terrible to forsake your pleasurable friends, hobbies, choice of food and activities because you want to attract a person’s affection. An excitement outside your relationship is good for you and your relationship; and where would you get it if you have abounded all your alternate sources to exhilaration.

What then happens if your partner isn’t treating you well or giving you enough time? When you have to separate ways and leave the relationship, where do you turn to? Those friends and hobbies may be just what you need to keep you going.

·         Sexual intimacy cannot be the bond in any relationship; never be fooled having sex with your partner would hold him/her down. Sex can strengthen a couple’s bond; however, if you and your partner don’t have a lot to talk about, enjoy each other’s company or have similar interests, having sex with no real emotional bond can backfire. Trying to get someone to stay (or trying to win them back) with sex often leads to more problems than it solves.

·         Don’t ignore the warning your relationship won’t last long if your partner complains of your ‘moderate’ time spent in association with your friends and family. . Your partner should be supportive of your relationships outside of the one you have with him or her.

·         Your relationship itself should have a standard. Its imperative partners know what they are both getting into and expecting from one another. Since the chances are slim that both or even of them would be a mind-reader, sitting down and spelling it out in plain words to each other is the best way to go. This is best done at the beginning of the relationship but it better late than never.

·         In continuation from communicating to set a good standard, communication really is recipe to any successful relationship. For example, inquisitive peeps through each other’s phones may be a big deal for a partner - and should be respected by the other partner. Saying this from the start would prevent most future misunderstanding. Excellent communication eliminates misinterpretations and unnecessary arguments. Wondering why your partner sounded unusual over the phone last night? Ask!!

·         Love without trust is stress. Honesty is however required to earn trust. For instance, doing as you said can help your partner trust you. It is essential to clear up reasons you couldn’t make your agreements. Trust takes time, so every action counts. Trust is one of the fundamentals for a healthy intimate relationship and therefore, both partners must possess and earn for greater intimacy.

·         You should exercise respect and fairness in relating to your partner just as you should expect. Decision making should not be one sided and both should be ready to compromise during some disagreements.

·         It human to make mistakes. Stomaching errors isn’t healthy and that is why the concept of forgiveness is a crucial on in relationships. Make faults known and forgive one another.

·         You should learn to cheer on each other. Give all kinds of supports to motivate your partner shows love and brings love.

Being in a relationship can fun and invigorating, but when relationships don’t work, they can be one of the worst things. If you want to get love, get it right.