FAILED MARRIAGES AND BROKEN HOMES: episode 3

The society has become quite obsessed with the word divorce that raises a question worthy of consideration. “Is divorce the only solution to difficult, unhappy and extremely complicated marriages?”

Whoever got married without the fore knowledge that marriage is “tough” shouldn’t have gotten married. Is that blunt? Probably. It’s however a truth. Having a social and contractual expression of a healthy, harmonious between any two persons, groups or nations takes much work let alone a marriage when they two entities in question are in a greater and deeper extent of partnership.

SOLUTION TO FAILED MARRIAGES

Before getting into the solution to failed marriages, I’ll point out that many people only see divorced cases as “failed marriages” because the couple are no longer together. But when a couple is already unhappy, at loggerheads too frequently…, even though they are still living together, the marriage is already in a “failed” state and needs a turn around.

I would further highlight that this is the “solution to a failed marriage” and not “solutions to a failed marriage”. Yes there are many things to be done but individually don’t make a solution; they work collectively. When one is absent, the marriage isn’t a completely fine and there would still be problems of various degrees.

Now to the solution

1.   Will. Where there is a will, there is a way. One of the individuals in a marriage contract must be exceedingly willing to make their relationship work when there are already signs of cracks and crisis. An individual’s decision would have ripples effect. Personally decide to be humble and not wait for your partner to make the first move/talk. Waiting for your partner to move to save the relationship first while it’s getting worse is “Royal Cowardice”.

2.  Self examination: Next is looking into how you have helped or ruined the relationship. Start with:

·    Loyalty and commitment: When your partner was and was not present, how have you tried to uphold the dignity in the relationship? What should you have done better or the other way?

·    Partner reverencing: How well did you respect your spouse both before and behind him/her? Everyone wants to have the feeling of worthiness; do you accord that to him/her?

·    Flexibility: How selfish or selfless have you been to your spouse’s needs and requests, especially regards the current feud?

·    Reaction analysis: Just as the whole dispute started, how have you been reacting? Are you sure your reaction wasn’t over the edge and extreme? What words did you use to express your displeasure?

                        Be honest with yourself, else you’ll be fooling yourself.

3.  Identify and correct problems: Point out things that you do which are directly and indirectly killing your relationship, and then rectify them. They may be drinking with the boys, excessive outings, confiding in wrong neighbors, friends and family. Exterminate all the parasites you personally breed in your marriage.  

4.  Communicate your problems: After recognizing your faults and displeasures, sit your partner down to talk the problem through. If the disputes are very sensitive, state the need to be polite and respectful in choice of words through the conversation to your partner before commencement. If talking doesn’t work; turn your conversation to a song using your points as the lyrics (it doesn’t have to be melodious) but please don’t rap. (hahaha… I’m serious!!). And if that doesn’t work, get a pen and pad and exchange short notes (it’s hard to scream at each other in notes).

Many people start this with logging accusations to the partner. This would only get him or her defensive. Why not apologize for your own errors? Then express your understanding of the situation and then state your discontentment(s) towards partner.

5.  Spend quality time with your partner: Been indoor in the company of your spouse for reasonable amount of time increases the bond between you two and paves way to better understanding of each other. It allows easier flow of communication from two people. This time isn’t when you stay together in same location but working on your laptops, it’s where you talk, share, play games and finally plainly state your expectations and disappointments to each other in the most polite ways.

6.  Be faithful to your partner: In real marriages, the sense of commitment goes beyond always wearing the wedding band on the fourth finger. It entails living a lifestyle your spouse would condone and that which you would expect your spouse to live also home and away. 

7.  Deal with external issues has a team: Adults that know each other try to avoid disputes in face of the public. Married people are expected to be better. When neighbors, friends, families and children come knocking with grudges and misunderstanding, it’s dumb to express disagreements to each other’s decisions while they are present. Excuse yourself from their presence and then you can talk it through RESPECTFULLY.

8.  Outline what is “yours”, “mine” and “ours”: Many dispute start because a spouse reaches into what the other isn’t ready to give. This is best done in finances and time. Set apart all these and respect the delineation. It is necessary for couple that prior has boundary issues

9.  Find new ways to keep the romance flowing: Have you often been eating dinner outside before? Why not try some special cozy home cooked dinner? Have you married each other and stopped courting each other, why not pop up surprise gifts at each other after a busy day? Get out of the regular and do something spontaneous. Wowing your partner once a while is important.

10.Review your marriage contract: Just like it is with every contract, you should renew your marriage contract to make it better and introduce new principles. Go over how last year or half-year was, depending on the set review date, state the trials, events, fun, disappointments, happy and pleasurable moments you’ll want to have again. Revisit your vows to each other.

To be continued in FAILED MARRIAGES AND BROKEN HOMES: episode 4. Meanwhile, feel free to comment and share.