FAILED MARRIAGES AND BROKEN HOMES: episode 4

The court is never the right place to fix a family. When there is a problem in the family and no one is ready to apologize or call for a “sit down”, many people contemplate leaving things the way they are and see where it gets them or pretending nothing is wrong and just sweeps it all under the carpet.

This episode is for a family of three or more and the children are grown up.

Getting the family back together to her glory days can be a repositioning set in motion by the father, mother or any of children – someone mature enough not by age but by reasoning and understanding. But before whoever about getting a cracked family back together starts, he/she needs determination to do whatever needed to see it through, faith there is the great possibility of having a happy family at the end, patience it would take some quality time and effort and a well seasoned PLAN.

Now, what should be the “PLAN” must be you next question and I would give you a ‘default’ plan. However, I would state a disclaimer that in every family, the father’s, mother’s and children’s lifestyles, faults and differences, response to situations is different for each family unit hereby making every family distinctive. Therefore, same manner of speaking, approach and system cannot and would not apply to every family. For this reason, the “default PLAN” needs t be customized to your family.

 That been said, let’s get your family back on track. I have highlighted the way forward and divided them in two.

 

1. Do your homework.

·         Identify the various problems in the family and ask every one individually for their views. At the stage, you are a secret agent and it’s much better when everyone thinks you just asking them because you are curious. If father doesn’t know you’ll ask mother and mother doesn’t know you’ll ask your siblings, it gets the best result.

·         Get individual opinions and perspectives on how the family can recover, their wish/picture for the family. This is very useful when you have everyone almost thinking you on their side only. You might have an awesome memory but writing all these down in a notepad is much better than storing in your brain. (Don’t get me wrong, I believe your brain’s recollection capacity is awesome)

·         Work on the unspoken problems in the family. It is very possible that there would be some issues that no one would feel comfortable raising but yet has to be discussed. Get to the root of the issue and file your findings.

·         Select a date. Choose a day for the family sit-down. After choosing, you individually ask what plans all members have doing for that day so there won’t be anyone leaving with an excuse.  

·         Pray your plan works. Seriously, pray!!

 

2. Blow your cover.

·         Find a convenient or nearly convenient time for everyone at home and call a “meeting”. For that day, you set the day and time, get everyone in attendance without telling them the purpose of the meet.

·         This is the day. State the purpose and necessity of the meeting. First you state the purpose of the meeting and following that would be recognition of the fact that any solution apart from family rebuilding isn’t an option that is good to everyone.

·         Building respect. In a gathering where everyone stands, sits, leaves or talks without respecting the other person(s) around is surely not going to be a fruitful gathering. Respect towards manner of speaking is essential. Just as the children should respect the parents, the parents must respect themselves and the children. No matter how grievous the faults about to be presented on the person are, respectfully make your points.

·         Induce concentration. This is by switching off all disturbing 21^st century communication gadgets. I’m simply referring television set, telephones and beepers. All should go off and can be on only for extreme reasons.

·         Start. Ask each person to state the problem in the family while cross referencing it with the answer you got during the individual sections you with them.

·         Ask if any accused person(s) has a re-address. Someone been accused most likely might want to narrate his/her own side of the story. Listen and the family addresses it together.

·         One by one share the wish for the family. Now is time everyone states how they would prefer the problem(s) is/are handled and how they wish the family eventually turns out.

Need I say you need be impartial? For the record, don’t take sides and curb your emotions.

 

3. Sealing the healing.

 Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. For the family to emotionally bond and psychologically feel the reunion, everyone must play parts. This is by:

·         Promoting the exchange of kind acts and sweet words.

·         Sharing the day’s plan in the morning and the day’s events after returning.

·         Plan a family vacation.

·         Giving each other benefit of doubts.

·         Sharing little gifts for no reason.

·         Involve the children in decision making.

These should get a family back to smiles, laughter and happiness.

To be continued in FAILED MARRIAGES AND BROKEN HOMES: episode 5. Meanwhile, feel free to comment and share.