The Wife

About Wife:

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
~By Lee Majors

 

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
~By Al Gore

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~By Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
~By Mike Tyson

 

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
~By George Clooney

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
~By Bill Clinton

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
~By George W. Bush

 

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
~By Rudy Giuliani

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
~By Michael Jordan

"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children!

~By Donald Trump

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
~By Shaquille O’Neal

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
~By Kobe Bryant

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
By David Hasselhoff

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
~By Alec Baldwin

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
~By Milton Berle

 

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
~ByTommy Lee

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
~By Brad Pitt

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy : "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
~ ByJimmy Kimmel

 

“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!”
~By David Letterman

 

“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after....comes Suffe r..ing!
~By Jay Leno

JUST FOR LAUGHs and some wisdom

Men and Infidelity

Falling in love is the most wonderful and exciting thing ever, but women are frequently afraid of falling in love with a man because of the worry “he might cheat on me down the line”. Indeed, a cheating boyfriend/husband is every woman’s worst nightmare. If infidelity is often at the back of your mind, it’s now considered okay to say you are not been paranoid. Why? Studies and surveys have shown over 50-60% of all married men have an affair at least once in their married lives. There’s good news you have 50% chance a man might not cheat you. But still, with a 50-50 chance of infidelity poisoning your relationship in the future calls you to alertness.

There are basically three reasons a man might cheat on you. Understanding those might help you.

He wasn’t ready: This reason for cheating is entirely the guy’s fault. There are a lot of men out there who think handing a relationship is a piece of cake. But when the rigours and responsibilities of a serious relationship comes flying in, they turn around and run. Here they run craving their bachelor-single-unattached-free life. Never rush into a relationship because it takes so much to keep it going.

He got bore or unhappy: If he got bored or unhappy in the relationship, the woman 'may' have played a part it that. After all, it is important you do your part in keeping the relationship happy. A happy relationship entails two happy partners. The problem here is most partners sit and wait for the other to make the first move before they do their part. Do your part whether he’s doing his or not. That way, you don’t have yourself to blame when issues go out of hand.

He succumbs to pressure: Let’s be honest here, the entertainment industry, society and friends suggest it is “ok” if not “cool” for guys to have affairs. By accepting it as a norm due to it frequency, this is how every single one of us echoes the same sentiment. Some guys can bow to pressure of cheating just to ‘fit in’. It is crazy but true. If we accept it, then we must accept the heart-breaking consequences when it happens to you, your sister, daughter or friend. Speaking of pressure, the pouring pressure of relationship/marriage on a man can also lead to infidelity.

For unmarried folks, examine a typical case that occurs 7 in 10 chances. Within two weeks of the first date, they’re already going steady. Before the first month, they “sleep together”. Then just few months later, during the relationship, they start getting bored and unhappy, feeling stressed and later its bores down to venting frustrations at each other. Before you know it, they separate ways. Those that get married few months right after the “sleeping together” phase start witness fades in initial attraction and excitement…they also start feeling bored, unhappy, entrapped and that leads to arguments, disagreements, fights and eventually separate ways.

Lack of preparedness, boredom, dissatisfaction, peer pressure can be avoided by simply building your relationship on solid foundation. Then you are likely safe from infidelity. Remember the work of “relationship preservation” is continuous.

That's Simply the Woman Phenomenon

A woman is like an incubator;

she takes in whatever you give her, multiplies it and gives you something more.

You give her sperm, she multiplies it and gives you a baby

You give her a house, she multiplies it and gives you a home

You give her a word, she multiplies it and gives you a sentence

You give her groceries, she multiplies it and gives you a meal.

You give her frustration, she multiplies it and gives you hell.

That's just the phenomenon of a real woman.

Are You Dating a Boy or a MAN?

1. A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn't think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn't exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.



2. A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life). A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he's going to hit up on the weekend.

A boy...

3. A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set if values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.

4. A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you're lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.

5. A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest about his intentions and lets people know where he stands (in a relationship). A boy avoids. A boy ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama/excuses to mask the fact that he's not really into you or that relationship.

6. A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always "testing" - he doesn't fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is psychologically in.



...or a Man

7. A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting drunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.

8. A man has integrity and dignity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has followed through and acts on his promises. And if he can't, he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn't follow through.

9. A man makes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.

10. A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts so passive so that his pride and ego won't ever get too banged up.

 

Now, a lot of these differences require taking time to know someone before figuring out if the "apple of your eyes" is indeed a man, or a mere boy. However, one of the quickest filters that you can notice is this.

 A boy plays games. A man doesn't . 

Adult truth: 5 Lies about Marriage

Dreamy singles think it will make them happy, restless men and women think it will make them feel complete. We take apart the five most popular cons that mar marriage. 

1. I won’t be lonely: Being lonely or having company has nothing to do with getting married. Many loners remain so even after marriage. A long- suffering woman shared her woes; she said that though she was married, she was always lonely. “I never felt that we shared anything. When I spoke, he heard but never listened. On holidays, I never felt that we were together.” Those who are lonely and feel that marriage will be a solution need to analyse and identify what they are feeling. 

2. Anytime sex: Sexual desire and frequency is dependent on libido, compatibility and the acceptance of the word ‘sex’ among both partners. Many partners, who have a deep-seated resentment for each other and are constantly bickering, are not having enough sex. Maybe one of them thought that marriage would satisfy their sexual desires, but that didn’t happen, and so, the blame-game continues in other spheres of life. 

3. I won’t work: This is quite an unrealistic thought, as increasingly, more couples realise that marriage does not mean financial security. Especially women realize that the lifestyle and aspirations one has calls for both spouses to generate income. Financial security is rare if you are not taking care of it yourself; there is no escape route. And if you have not discussed this with your partner, he or she may feel resentful of being considered a meal ticket. 

4. Big happy family: Most of us are conditioned to win over the love and affection of the in-laws. We bend over backwards, expect to be loved immediately and are baffled when the feeling is not reciprocated. The biological imperative of birthing gives rise to a lot of unconditional love and acceptance which is hormonally absent in in-laws. So it is advised to give respect, love and attention, but don’t expect much. 

5. Kids can fix it all: Couples feel that unhappiness in a marriage will be sorted by parenthood. This is another misconception because if there is incompatibility, a child would actually come into an unwelcoming environment and may even be resented. Parenthood should be a well-thought out decision considering aspects such as – Are we ready? Do both of us want children? Do we have all the help we need? Do we agree on core values?
 

Signs You’re In An Abusive Relationship

 Take the test below before you go!!

Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Noticing and acknowledging the signs of an abusive relationship is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the following descriptions of abuse, reach out. Help is available.

There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner, constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up, chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.

To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.

Signs That You’re In An Abusive Relationship

Test Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings. Do you:-

Feel afraid of your partner much of the time?

Avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?

Feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?

Believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?

Wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?

Feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Test Your Partner’s Belittling Behaviours. Does your partner:-

Humiliate or yell at you?

Criticize you and put you down?

Treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?

Ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?

Blame you for their own abusive behavior?

See you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Test Your Partner’s Violent Behaviours or Threats. Does your partner:-

Have a bad and unpredictable temper?

Hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?

Threaten to take your children away or harm them?

Threaten to commit suicide if you leave?

Force you to have sex?

Destroy your belongings?

Your Partner’s Controlling Behaviour. Does your partner:-

Act excessively jealous and possessive?

Control where you go or what you do?

Keep you from seeing your friends or family?

Limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?

Limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?

Constantly check up on you?

I hope you didn't have to say many yeses to those questions.

Life Counsels: My Ex Who Is About Getting Married Wants To Sleep With Me

"She is about getting married and am now into another relationship but she is still insisting we continue having sex till after her marriage. As i type this, she is seriously disturbing me. She was very nice but i just can't do it bc of my conscience, putting my self in the guys shoe. Moreover, chances r that she may still want same even after marriage as she's been complaining that her guy dosnt satisfy her as i did. What shud i do......am confused"

Counsel: Men should observe a very important and helpful rule when it comes to interaction with an Ex who is about to or already married. Become extremely platonic friends. 

Do not entertain hearing stories and incidents from her marriage, too long chats, let alone invites to heinous sexual advances! 

This isn't a confusing situation; it's about choosing from two distant options like north and south pole. It's about extreme right and extreme wrong.

Coming to think of it; for your Ex to be getting into a lifetime relationship she knows for certainty she isn't of and won't be happy in, she needs to grow up and get psychologically! While you need to run away from her!
In order to prevent yourself from falling into the temptation, you should tell 'someone mature' about it instead of bottling it in to yourself.
Friends at the bar might tell you to be a "man" and enjoy the advances while you can...but those are foolish talks that have high possibility of landing you in regrets later in life.
The Choice is yours...but remember there's lifetime joy for the wise.

Post your comments... someone wants your opinion
To Ask or Share experiences: mailadef@gmail.com
 

IDEAs that Hurt your Relationship

What is the most resilient parasite? A bacteria? A virus? An intestinal worm? The right answer is ‘an Idea’! 

It is resilient and highly contagious. Once an idea has taken hold of the brain, it’s almost impossible to eradicate. An idea that is fully formed and fully understood would always stick to you right in there, somewhere in you. 

During the various stages of a relationship, there are different things we come across. Many are times when couples feel the relationship is becoming boring and they prefer staying out with friends or family. Having unfaithful ideas, self-centred ideas and wicked ideas during these vulnerable times always brings the relationship crashing down. The plain truth is that such ideas portray you as someone unworthy of the trust accorded to you. It would surely hurt your partner. Remember it all starts from a negative idea. 
 

Ideas are simple but no good idea is simple when you need to plant it in some else’s mind. Recollect when a friend is trying to plant evil ideas into your mind, very fast to absorb. However, business ideas don’t evolve that fast from such people. 

Is the idea going to bring someone pain, lose unduly or regret trusting you; then you should desist from such ideas. On the other hand, there are ideas that can spice up and strengthen your relationship for the better. There are good ways to revitalise a dead relationship so far the will to have a new and different turn is present in both partners. 

Bottom line: Just an idea can turn your life around. For good or for detriment? That depends on the nature of the idea.

Five different ways you select a wrong person to marry

 1.     When you’re focused more on chemistry of the bond than on the character of the individual, you are choosing wrongly. Yes chemistry is good and ignites the fire, but good character that you can live with keeps that fire burning. Many people get married when they are in the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust". Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's character?

Of course you won’t be able to note all your prospective partner’s character, but there are some tattletales that give them away even when they are most careful trying to appear all good and perfect before you. Take note of them and decide wisely.

2.     When you choose a person that doesn’t understand you, your needs and moods, then moving forward is really a big mistake. Your unique need is to be loved, made to feel like the most important person in the world and what ever else you may want to add. But how would someone that isn’t on the same page with you emotionally tell when its time do the most good expected? How would someone that can’t “read” your mood detect your feelings and help you feel better?

3.     When you have different goals and priorities in life, then you need to think again and think real deep. Let’s say for example a lady meets a man when he’s in the middle of traveling round the world. They both have the chemistry but after a month or two, he intends leaving for another location, possibly remote region that is different in almost everything. Whereas she loves being a chef aspiring to own her own restaurant.

Now, a marriage between these two would be a mistake. To avoid growing apart, they must both realize what they are individually “living for” and if they can do that together when married.

Soul mates” are “goal mates”.

4.     When you decide to marry an individual shortly after getting “intimate”, then your judgment has over an 80% chance of been clouded. 

I am very aware we currently live in a world were zero intimacy (sex) before marriage is gradually becoming a myth which really shouldn’t be so. Intimacy before commitment of marriage mostly presents a big problem because it prevents full honest exploration of partner regarding important issues. It has never been a necessity to take a “test drive” in order to ascertain each other’s physical compatibility.

5.     When you get married to escape from personal problems, you have started on a wrong foot. Family or societal pressures push people to get into relationships. “There isn’t love even from family and supposed friends, and so I need a man/lady” is a doomed move. Many are unhappy with themselves and think marriage is the solution. You bring what you have to the table in marriage; and when you have something negative to give, it’s unfair to your spouse.

If you are unhappy with your life, fix it while you are single and then you’ll feel better without a sense of rush when you approach the garden on marriage. This would gain you more ‘points’ when you finally elope with your spouse.  

As a give-away, I’ll add this; never marry someone that is emotionally dependent on something else while trying develop another relationship with you. A person who hasn’t separated from his parents (in the case of men), or in love with another person isn’t a good choice. People get emotionally dependent of other things like money, sports, work, drugs, internet or even hobbies. Be careful to have a matured partner free from all these bonds before you even think of eloping with him/her. Else you won’t be the number one priority and that’s no basis for a real marriage.

WORDS 2: Recovering from ill-spoken words

Some people are specialized in speaking wrong hurtful words to people. A way to pull through this world where almost everyone is guilty of misuse of words has to be devised.

1. Personal cautiousness of the type of words used plus the probably effect to you – the speaker and others – the hearers. This has to be on everyone’s mind and by this much trouble would be averted but personally and in the various types of relationships we engage in. Wrong personal confessions have a way of pulling us down psychologically let alone speaking evil to others.

2. Recognize circumstances in your life where words have caused pain. This mostly come from people, some wrongly say them thinking they are helping you while others say them intentionally to hurt you. For example “You’re hopeless/useless”, “You will never be the man your father was”, “You are so lazy/fat/stupid/foolish etc. Remember how bad you felt? Now promise not to do that to anyone else and importantly, you’ll be better than the person said.

3. Have you said stuffs to cause pain for anyone? Try remembering and setting the record straight by apologizing to that person in writing or preferable in face to face. This way, you have discontinued the treacherous act of ‘people pulling people down’.

4. Understand a common stance that people usually use hurting words due to their current situation and problem. They are most probably speaking from their own pain and directing it outwardly at you. This therefore isn’t worth ruining your day or life over.

5. Make it a habit to utter positive pronouncements towards yourself. Say them frequently (even when all events around you attempt to prove otherwise). Write them out if you less busy and keep them in places (anywhere and if possible everywhere).

When our words show love and kindness; if our words lift people instead of pulling them down, the would everyone love to be with us and all relationship from the cordial to intimate ones be filled with soothing healing every time we speak.

Heal the world with your words - spoken or written

Words 1: Words hurt your relationship

Words can be very dangerous ‘things’; equally capable of bringing peace and inciting violence. They get under your skin, they make you feel, they make you hurt, make you love, make you alive. Everyone knows this but many people still dish out harmful words out too much. We all need to be careful of how we choose to use words.

Using harsh communication when relationship seems a bit disturbed; during arguments for instance, partners often resort to name-calling and abundant cursing. Furthermore, ill-speaking of your partner’s family, friends or relatives is also common; calling them names and stressing their downsides really hurts because you are indirectly getting at her. These are how words really drag the relationship south and push partners further apart.

Words that are well seasoned create a thirst in your partner to listen. When you use words that are affirms motivation, your partner listens. Forgiving words increases the ease for your partner to accept their failure and improve. 

Words spell out your inner countenance. If those words are tolerant, then they invite your partner to share his/her world with you. So, choose your words wisely.

Maintaining Joyful Love

Great passionate love is wonderful to have and retaining it needs simple continuous work. Here's how in three ways.
1. Give your partner three genuine expressions of appreciation a day. It can come in form of appreciation for things he/she's always been doing for you or for something special once done. Endeavour you say it out loud — and that you mean it. This makes your partner feel useful in your life, appreciated and respected.
2. Create time; more like an appointment, at least twice a week to spend minimum of 15 minutes with you spouse. No phones or whatever technology except it solely for playing music. Also, kissing and cuddling and talking, with sex are completely off the table during this time.
3. Endeavour to recreate sensual emotions of passion at least once a week. Twice a week is Most effective. This finds a way of re-lighting the sparks that makes marriages long lasting and happy. This is really finds a to curb fear, open up to one another and release great sense of sexual goddess inside each other.

Reintroducing the Love

As a conjugal union grows older, so must it be accompanied by reciprocal maturity and mutual desire for each spouse. Strangely, it is becoming the rule rather than the exception today that the older marriages become, the less desirous couples find each other. This ought not to be and you need to act of it.
To start with, you need to know "what is your goal when it comes to your relationship?" And this should be created around the following;

• Do you still love each other?
• Do you still want to enjoy life together?
• Are you ready to give it what its going to take?
• On the long run, what do you want out of the relationship?

After answering those honestly, if your answers cuts around growing your relationship and improving your love, then you should read on.

1. Create deeper intimacy: Occasional time-out away from the noise and
   
   distractions of this world is the way forward. This can be achieved in your very room or outdoors far from home. There you can whisper in the day and talk at night, recount great memories and generate pet names together.
2. Communicate better and bring fun into it: When every conversation reflects respect, affection and positivity; it would surely help a relationship because no one feels good when been ordered around or made feel worthless. The greatest mistake we humans make in our relationships; We listen half, understand quarter, think zero, and react double. Listening carefully to your partner cannot be overrated; not only would it give you a clearer picture of the relationship but also shows your affection.
3. Stop passing blames: "Who was wrong, who was right, who blamed wrongly and who over-blamed the other person" doesn't change the situation or ease it up. Forget to blame!
4. Keep making the efforts to show love: This is very important. You shouldn't get tired of showing your love if its genuine. Remember, true love doesn't expect in return; however, expression of true love never returns to you void.
5. Pour out compliments: Has your partner improved on something? Compliment him or her. It shows how observant and appreciative you are of your partner's efforts. It further would increase your partner's quest to improve the more.  
6. Work it Patiently: If your love life has been in the low for a while, don't expect instant results. You might have to persist in these suggested ideas for a longer time before your love can feel your sincerity and reciprocate.
7. Watch your attitude: Every investment of attitude pays a huge dividend. What is that habit people complain about? Your spouse might stylishly be hinting you of a habit, you should work on you and turn a new leaf. Its going to take some work but at the end, it'll make you a happier person.
8. Learn to give and accept apologies: She's not mad, she's hurt... There's a difference. When necessary, apologise and believe apologies when you're been given. Apologies take nothing from you but the bring so much to you!
9. Find time for each other: The modern world have numerous ways of distracting couples from their relationship. Career couples are going to find this quite difficult. But its possible with great effort and acknowledgement of which is priority - career or relationship.
10. Socialise as couples: Here you'll both learn to treat each other as personal jewels. If this is done with other couples, you might learn a thing or two they do right and copy it into your life. Note they could also exhibit some wrong traits that you two would have to caution yourselves of.

Importantly: Pray about the future: This would always bring a great sense of calmness between you and your spouse. It comes from the feeling that both of you aren't just trying beyond the physical human help but reaching out to God to correct that which you can't. That takes the will for 'an improved relationship' from both ends.

Everyone's scared, so don't use that as an excuse to run away. Work on your relationship!

Opinion: he wants a divorce

I stumbled on this and quite something to share

...A married couple work in different cities, he works in Abuja, she in Lagos, he goes home every weekend. Both have facebook accounts.

One day while bored at work he playfully creates a facebook account with a fake pix, he sends his wife a request & she adds him.

They chat regularly over 1 month, she finds him very exciting & is always looking forward to chatting with him, she began to hate weekends because he was never available to chat.

They chatted about everything, recently their chats became very sexually explicit, she got turned on by d things he asked her to do, then one day he asks her to send a pix of her private part, she excitedly does that without hesitation , he then asks her to take other pix of her body parts & she did & sent all to him, now he reveals his true identity & wants a divorce…

What do you think about this case?

In Love or In Lava

The world has gotten so used to the pop-culture ideal of love that it has lost the true essence of love. The entertainment industry is awash with this species of love with all its unrealistic images that have led to massive deception, frustration and disappointment. That not-withstanding, love remains one of the most potent forces that affect our lives.

In the beginning of two people ‘falling in love’, there’s so much energy and it seems you’ll do anything for one another but the reality is… this energy fades! Then reality begins. You thought you were in love but it was just a “lava stage” stage of something that isn’t meant to metamorphosis into a relationship. Consider the following:

1. Understanding mistaken for passionate love: In many cases, people often translate the physical chemistry between two persons as romantic love and this is the conception of a great blunder. Been great friends that know and understand each other doesn’t mean romance is meant to be follow. Dissect the nature of understanding before concluding it should lead to romance.
2. Physical desire confused for love: Desiring for a person can go one for nights and days but after getting that desire satisfied, the craving disappears. Surprised?? Don’t be. Love isn’t the want for physical satisfaction and lasts after physical satisfaction. Recognize your affection if its love or lust.
3. Cinderella stories: It’s common for people to develop a love tale that actually very captivating and start trying to live it but it takes two to tango. Does your partner daydream the same love story as yours? I really doubt it…simply because we are all different unique beings. You are making your love story and your partner acting out he’s/hers. That relationship is divided and just can’t stand.
4. Putting too much on ‘love’: Relationships take work and commitment unlike most movies deplete and expecting all differences to be to handle itself because “you two are in love” is reckless. Love is more like the icing on the cake (of relationship) and flour or egg that’s used in baking it. Many habits need to be checked and weighed; not disregarded in the name of “we love each other”
5. Focusing on your partner qualities instead of your relationships quality: Mixing a person’s great qualities with yours has the possibility of still not yield a good concoction. Of course, personally, both have great qualities…but it’s still not a good mix. Concentrate on the qualities your relationship would have when you are together and not singular virtues.  

Many celebrities have made these mistakes and their relationships lasted few weeks; month; and days in some cases. We cannot choose the wrong and get the right. If we look to the wrong world for our example and role model in the most delicate matters of life (which they are getting wrong), we would get whatever they have, including the heartaches and deep regrets.

Real love forgets self; real love knows no danger and real love does not count the cost. Many waters cannot quench love.

 

LADIES: Don't Get Married because...

Marriage is a wonderful union where even the ceremony makes some feel butteries in their tummy while tears drop down their faces. Isn’t that lovely? This same union is the gravest mistake some have made and end up regretting for a lifetime. You live life once, why do you want it to go down that path. If you threading that path, I’ll say don’t get married.

Don’t get married because…

• Your friends are getting married. Would you get a divorce too if they get a divorce? Just want to know if and where the solidarity ends.
• He gives the great feeling of love. “We met couple of months back but it feels like we’ve know each other for years”. Oh yea? It’s not about having a love bubble lasting longer than the common and then thinking that’s how it’s going to be forever but the compatibility you two shares on the long-run. Why not wait and discover more about him. I said ‘discover’ not ‘ask’.
• He is the closest you’ve on gotten on with on ‘long relationship’. Marriage isn’t just a long relationship but a lie time relationship. However long you your ‘long relationship’ is, it’s nothing compare to the lifetime journey. Therefore, it’s not the how long the relationship you’re having is but how well is it.
• You want to feel safe and secured. Trust me, marrying the wrong person would make you feel much less insecure than you currently feeling. Truth this; true security come from within. Look for that.
• You are tired of dating and you want to manage the person you’ve seen. It’s better to stay if you ever have this feeling. Give yourself the self-boost therapy because you seem to have some self-confidence missing.
• You’re feeling alone. Getting into activities, events, sports and been resourceful gives you next to no time to be alone. Alone time is that time you groom yourself to be someone a man would love and cherish.
• Your current relationship appears it’s the best you can ever dream of. Seriously? Then you a poor dreamer. You don’t “manage” a marriage; it’s like managing to exist for the rest of your life.
• A ring on that finger earns me maximum respect. Err… please see a counsellor to help build your self-esteem.
• Marriage would make you more principled. You’ve been pouncing from nightclub to nightclub that the party bouncers recognise you and now you think marriage is your best leash?
• He’s rich. Hmmm, that’s a passport to some shopping spree, parties, expensive vacation and definitely some “thick issues“ you’ll have to handle. It’s better to live in you built with him than a mansion he built for you to ‘move in’ to.
• You’re getting old and it’s just the next logical thing to do. It’s better to have a happy long premarital life followed by years of marital bliss than a short premarital life and long years of second guessing the concept of marriage just because you rushed in and out of marriage.
• You want to have a huge wedding ceremony. This sounds stupidly funny but many people indeed put more effort into their wedding ceremony than marriage. The ’wedding’ is just a ceremony; if it lasts more than a day, it won’ exceed a week. Marriage on the other hand last for pretty much a long time.

Marital Grips

During the wedding ceremony, it is a very common noticeable gesture to see the hands of the bride and groom into each other with the firmest grip ever, appearing like they would almost cut blood circulation from their fingers. On that day, it is so much attitudinal charade of ‘it’s you and me against them all’. Vows and commitments in air; adrenaline pumping slightly above normal; and worries of whatsoever that can be procrastinated till some other day get an express pass. I only wish those grips remain as tight a week, month, year and decade after wedding ceremony.

The world has gotten so used to the pop-culture ideal of love that it has lost the true essence of love. The entertainment industry is awash with this species of love with all its unrealistic images that have led to massive deception, frustration and disappointment. That not-withstanding, love remains one of the most potent forces that affect our lives. Contrary to beliefs, real love is work; it takes due time to understand, stand by, adapt to, improve on and cultivate. According to a researcher, most marriages go through at least three general stages of development:

• Romantic love;
• Disillusionment and distraction; and,
• Dissolution, adjustment with resignation, or adjustment with contentment.

Then first phase of marriage usually has couples caught up in infatuation and physical attraction. Subjects of concern like sacrifice, selfishness, expectations and crises don't come up - not yet. It’s when the honeymoon begins to wear off; yea, then these issues begin to influence and sway the relationship.

Daily-life stresses and other crises that require sacrifices to be made often occur, selfishness would need to be checked and given up, and expectations to be discarded or modified. This in most cases reduces the interest in spending so much time together, leading to less time in building the relationship, a reduction in a couple's sex life, and sexual boredom. Oops. At this point, “no one told me marriage gets somehow boring” syndrome sets in.  In this emotional uneasiness, the couple have the choice of either dissolving the marriage relationship; or it up to the fact that marriage doesn’t work itself and they fine-tune the relationship to grow towards contentment and satisfaction.

It hard going through this stages and this is when we know ‘what you made of’. While you walking through your new marriage, here are some things no one might have told you but really matter.

1. The little things matter. These things are so little but so weighty. Asking your spouse some simple caring question/showing concern, been late to dinners, some outdoor reactions among others. They could cause disagreements.
2. No matter how loosely he/she might talk about his/her family, families matter much more than you think. Don’t screw up dates with families or jump into conclusions based on how you perceive he/she would handle them. Couples often underestimate the role that each individual's family history plays. Study the history if possible.
3. Reaction to your spouse’s moments of emotional swings which may be caused by different reasons definitely need more caution than you think. When you notice this, tread cautiously. Talking about feelings, goals, and dreams for the future could help settle your spouse’s mind and enable sharing the problem at hand.
4. Showing appreciation should never be underestimated. Sadly, there are many spouses that compliment outsider better/more than their partner. Complements are key in relationships; their presence may not be continuously pronounced but absence is catastrophic.
5. Weighing in your partners opinion in whatever situation when you can is better than not. If situation permits you to ask for inputs before taking a decision, then you should. It has its special perks.

Avoiding Fights in your Relationship

Relationships have been analysed to have disagreements incorporated into it as a norm. This is quite understandable because two persons been together and taking decisions together doesn’t go as smooth as silk in comparison to how the movies parades. Here are some common ‘relationship disagreement’ themes and a way of getting them out of the way.

1. Money. Finances pull the most strings when it comes to playing the relationship chords. In other words, most disagreements are caused by money (especially in long relationships). How much is spent on what, what should and should not have been bought; is a partner been in considerate in his/her spending; does some spending pose threat on the future; and the list goes on. It is therefore imperative that a memorandum of understanding be reach concerning finances instead of running on assumptions. Find time to talk about money and how best it be spent towards the same goal.

2. The supposed bygones. Many incidents happen in life that individuals involved aren’t proud of. Everyone has his share of the cake when it comes to this. It’s certainly a tempting spot to hit during disagreements or ‘mood downtime’. Did the ugly patch occur before the relationship or during, you need let go and create a better future together.

3. Jealousy and suspicion. These two have the ‘relationship killing power’ because they blind the eyes of the brain from seeing useful reason that prove your spouse’s heart belongs to you. Most jealous moments are from the interaction of the spouse with an opposite sex you consider a ‘threat’. But remember one thing; so far your spouse started off with you in his/her right senses, which means he/she is with you because he/she wants to. Therefore, whatever you are jealous and suspicious about isn’t really as much of a threat as you might take it.

4. Sex. More often than not in relationships, there’s usually an imbalance in sexual craving and this in most cases leads to disputes. Sexual compatibility is really important to avoid discords on this issue and sitting to talk about it is the best approach. During this talk, compromise to adjust to your spouse is also crucial.

5. Communication. The importance of communication in a relationship cannot be underestimated. A healthy relationship needs effective communication (except they both can read minds). Inadequate communication signifies real issues in a relationship. To help your relationship, open your mouth to talk respectfully and listen carefully.

Spouses that do not have disagreements most likely aren’t really having a real relationship. However, in order for disagreements to keep you healthy, you should learn to FIGHT FAIRLY. Not pushing each other’s buttons so bad that the eventual fight would be greater than the reason for the fight. Avoiding the fight is better and wiser than preparing for the fight.

WHY DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED?

These days, not all who gets into a marriage gets into a good thing but it’s those that get into a ‘good marriage’ that get into a good thing. Getting married to someone is a big step in life, more often than not, a rough ride. Something is right does not necessarily mean you should just jump into it but the reasons behind you doing that ‘right thing’ goes a long way too.

Marriage is fun, however, its duty and commitment, and most of all, its work. Therefore, the reasons behind your decision to get into that contract with anyone needs to be properly evaluated. Ask yourself the following questions and answer truthfully.

• Are you ready to start a family?

Marriage is the cultural platform to start a family. If you aren’t interested in raising a family, can’t handle the responsibility or can’t cater for one, then I’ll advise you retreat and re-evaluate. On the other hand, if you are craving to have your own wife/husband and children, then move on to the next question.

• Are you prioritizing the sexual fulfilment?

It is quite obvious that the norms around us make it less of a big deal for even kids to have sex these days. However, marriage is the one platform where the two people in it can have sex and the society’s ancient culture would smile. Sex however shouldn’t be the grounds for marriage; it’s just one of the perks. Under this, I should warn folks that have different sex-mates at the end of each day, week or month as the case may be should really think deep. True, genuine, committed and lasting marriage paves no room for many things; especially sex infidelity.

• Are you basically in for the money?

Marriages and prenups; these two words are now used increasing side by side these days. Need I say why? Money issue is serious issue! Many now look for partners who are wealthy and they give no interest to the real concept and foundation of marriage. If you see marriage as a passport to getting richer, then you need abstain from marriage till you get re-oriented. No offense.

• Do you see yourself been happier?

A life of union with someone else that supports and moves you further would definitely make you happier. Some people unfortunately see marriage and family ties as a pull back from their career aspirations and ambitions. If you in that category, it’s best you don’t marry yet. Continue your single life till your “aspirations and ambitions” change to have marriage and family at the central point. 

• Would getting married make you healthier?

Happiness, joy and satisfaction result to a healthy body and longer life. When you want to get married to a person, using your own and that persons character/lifestyle/life-priorities, make a model NOT of how your marriage should be (that’s fantasises), but of how it WOULD be. Would it make you happy?   
 

Your reasons to get married should incorporate motives like adding more meaning to life, having a happier life, raising your own family, living in commitment, sharing your life (happiness and well, sadness) maturity, love, respect of values, creating a relationship and growing old with someone.

Choosing A Life Partner (2)

Pursuit of social status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship let alone get married to anyone. If the forces pushing you towards your partner are those, what happens when you have all that? The marriage becomes pointless to you. 

Deciding to marry someone?? Then he/she should have all of these.
 

WHAT KEEPS A MARRIAGE STRONG are:

1. TRUST: From past experiences, how trustworthy has your partner been? Is he/she someone you can trust and can trust you?

2. COMMUNICATION: How much of self-expression transits between the two of you? How easy has it been for you to talk with him/her and do you regret it after you share your mind?

3. INTIMACY: Are you two physically together but you two feel a mile apart? Is there any emotional familiarity when talking or even just standing with him/her?

4. A SENSE OF HUMOR: Is there a unique attribute that makes you smile, wonder and ponder all at once when you have a reflection of him or her?

5. SHARING TASKS: Does he/she give a hand in times when there are duties to be done however hard or easy it is? When you are very active, how involved does he/she get around chores let alone when you’re weak.

6. DAILY EXCHANGES: How often do you share call or love to send notes (texts) to him/her? How important does he/she take the sharing of a meal, activity, hug, touch etc. with you?

7. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS: How interested is he/she in the things that are important and exciting to you? 

8. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE: Do you give each other breathing space or you suffocate each other with your presence?

9. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT: Does his/her actions send reassurance to your psychology making you feel rest assured?

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace.