Relationship: While Stressing "Change" to Your Partner

When you try changing someone you claim to love, be ready for any of these predisposed responses. The person would ask:

1. Why is there a need for me to change, I am doing perfectly fine!

2. Why should you ask me to change, can’t you accept me as I am? 

3. Why should I change and even if I have, why should I listen to you?

4. Oh! Do you think you are God! Even God cannot ask me that!

5. Why should I change if I am not convinced there is something wrong about it?

6. If I have to change, only I shall decide, no one has the right to judge me.

7. I am open to change but only for someone who first accepts me as I am.

8. I would change only for someone who loves me blindly.

9. I accept changes but it would be tough as I was made this way.

10. Give me time, I am a not good at it! Etc. 

You may think, if a person loves you, he or she should use nice language with you and should not be a boozer or a gambler. However, for that person, love is only an expression of his/her self and his/her “self” already accepts abuse and boozing as acceptable things for his or her living's wellness.

If you attempt to reason it out with him or her that if he/she loves you, he/she should stop abuse and booze, he/she would first of all look confused. He/she would not even understand why you are saying this. Because, he/she (his/her subconscious mind), does not see any contradiction and conflict in it. Most likely, he or she shall take your words of reasoning as a threat to the balance of his or her wellness and would likely to go away. Nobody can compromise with his or her long preserved balance.

Actually, this person loved you because you fitted in his or her larger scheme of balance and wellness. Now when you have put up ideas, which disturb his or her balance, his/her sense of wellness is threatened and compromised. He or she is likely to stop loving you, or shall be unsettled and erratic in his or her action-behavior.

Relationship Problem and Solutions That Can Save Your Relationship - Communication

It's the rare couple that doesn't run into a few bumps in the road. If you recognize ahead of time, though, what those relationship problems might be, you'll have a much better chance of getting past them.

All relationship problems stem from poor communication; you can't communicate while you're checking your BlackBerry, watching TV, or flipping through the sports section.

Problem-solving strategies

• Make an actual appointment with each other. If you live together, put the cell phones on vibrate, put the kids to bed, and let voicemail pick up your calls.
• If you can't "communicate" without raising your voices, go to a public spot like the library, park, or restaurant where you'd be embarrassed if anyone saw you screaming.
• Set up some rules. Try not to interrupt until your partner is through speaking, or ban phrases such as "You always ..." or "You never ...."
• Use body language to show you're listening. Don’t doodle, look at your watch, or pick at your nails. Nod so the other person knows you're getting the message, and rephrase if you need to. For instance, say, "What I hear you saying is that you feel as though you have more chores at home, even though we're both working." If you're right, the other can confirm. If what the other person really meant was, "Hey, you're a slob and you create more work for me by having to pick up after you," he or she can say so, but in a nicer way.

16 Things Every Woman Should Know How To Say To A Man

The worst thing a woman can be in a relationship? Silent! On the other hand, the art of expressingourselves in living words, not typed ones, proves increasingly challenging. Here are 16 things I, like many of you, wish I learned to say to a man right as I came of age instead of a decade too late. For the parents out there, I think it’s a good idea to talk through these with your daughters before they start dating.

1. Stop. Most of you have been in a sexual situation where you wanted a man to stop. The ability to say ‘stop’ when you feel uncomfortable starts with an acknowledgement that you don’t owe him anything. You get to decide what you do and don’t want on the physical side of a relationship.

2. Commit to me. If a lousy, half-commitment or friends-with-benefits scenario isn’t what you want, then ask him to commit. You are your own worst enemy by allowing him to string you along without any declaration of intention.

3. I’m going home now. He hasn’t earned the right to touch you or have sex with you when you don’t want to. Tell him you are going home and don’t listen if he begs you to stay. Know how to spot compromising situations and get out.

4. You hurt my feelings. Don’t wait until you have completely lost it to express how you feel. If your guy does something that hurts you, tell him. Little confrontations along the way make for a much healthier relationship based on good communication. We all hurt each other, but we must learn to express our emotions before we get hit the boiling point.

5. This is how I feel. We all have junk and it’s important to be vulnerable with your man and tell him how you feel about the pain in your life. Let him in slowly and trust him with your emotions.

6. No. He wants you to go home with him. He touches your butt. He makes an inappropriate joke about you in public. As women, we must learn to say ‘no’ and stand up for ourselves. Don’t apologize and don’t be silent.

7. This is what I want. He isn’t a mind reader. Use your words and express your desires.

8. I want to be with you. Learn to say this (sober, please) because you’ll want to say it to a man one day. You can’t expect him to read your mind, so step up to the plate and tell him how you feel.

9. You have what it takes. Chances are the man you love will struggle at one point or another with his identity. Maybe that’s through a career failure or maybe it’s because of some negative messages he’s grown accustomed to hearing and believing. Look him in his hurting eyes and tell him he has what it takes. Tell him you believe in him.

10. My __________ is really important to me (career, faith, children, etc). Don’t be a chameleon morphing your desires into the man of the moment. Learn to stand up for who you are and what you believe in. Don’t  apologize for being you. A relationship is never worth compromising the core of who you are.

11. Please stop contacting me. You shouldn’t have to live in fear of the next angry text you’ll receive. Tell him upfront not to contact you anymore because you need to give yourself time to breath and heal.

12. That behaviour is unacceptable to me. Set standards for your romantic life and know how to express them in a kind, yet straightforward way. As Steve Harvey says, “Men respect standards. Get some!”

13. No, I won’t send you a picture. If he threatens to break up with you because you won’t send him a picture, then he needs a good punch in the face. The right man won’t put you in a compromising situation and won’t make demands of which you aren’t comfortable. Delete him from your phone and move on.

14. Your love doesn’t define me. You are not defined by how many men are lined up outside your door. Define yourself as one radically loved by God and don’t let his volatile desires steal your confidence.

15. My life doesn’t revolve around you. A 10pm “where are you?” text doesn’t cut it for you. Meeting up with him at the last minute will only reinforce his behavior and the anxiety pumping through your body awaiting his text is toxic. Tell him to make a plan and that the last minute text just won’t work. Anymore, at least.

16. I am worth your words. In a world where arguments, breakups, and threats are common over text message and social media, know how to cut off an on-screen conversation and ask to have it face-to-face. A real man won’t hide behind a screen. You are worth his words.

6 Ways Ladies turn OFF Their Man

 

1. Sealing up your thoughts and instincts: Some women avoid communicating and expressing their feelings and thoughts. They expecting men to read their minds and guess their thoughts, which is not always possible. And when they fail they receive the cold shoulder for not playing the guessing game right. Nothing is more annoying for men then a woman who will just not say what she wants but expect you to read the 'signs'.

2. Assuming he knows your playbook: Another thing that really gets to men is some women assuming that men know what they want them to do. Saying one thing and doing just the opposite just confuses things even more for men. So, play it straight and just speak up, it leaves no room for miscommunication or misunderstandings.

3. Playing the 'spot the error' game: Some women equate men with being dumb, and that gets to men eventually...with time. Everyone makes mistakes, therefore, there is no need to constantly rub it in. It only makes you a nag when you are persistent on mistakes and can be really annoying.

4. Smothering him with too much attention: You need to remember that your guy has a mother and there is no need for you to play "mother superior". The key word here is "TOO" much attention; not saying you should give zero attention - else you'll lose him.

It's okay to comfort and be there for him, don't treat him like a child and smother to such an extent that it starts bugging him. You call him baby doesn't mean he is literally one.

 

5. Sharing too much information: Most men are not always comfortable talking about their problems, unlike some women who would go overboard sharing every minute detail with everyone in sight. Learn to exercise caution, and don't overshare. Learn to keep things to yourself at times, especially something that someone else shared with you in private. It will build trust and also encourage the guy to open up more.
Also, if you have just got to know the guy, there is no need to share every little detail with him. Learn to keep somethings to yourself and share only what is necessary.

 

6. Planning the future way ahead of time: Planning ahead is good and smart but learn to also live in the moment. While planning what to do on your birthday is okay, planning what you will do in your 50th anniversary while you are still dating will only freak the guy out. Learn to take small steps and enjoy the moment rather that fastfoward with an over active imagination. It would only leave your partner confused and spooked.

Attribute of a true relationship (9)-Understanding

 

You should be on the same timeline.

People date for different reasons. Maybe you’re not ready to settle down any time soon but he’s shopping for a spouse. Make sure you know what you’re wanting from the relationship and that your partner does too. If you’re not looking for the same things, it’s better to know early in the relationship than later when you’ve both invested so much into it.

Make your presence felt and get his attention

Many are times when guys are waiting for just a sign and looking for just a tiny clue to encourage them to move towards a lady that they perceive to be suitable for them. Often have ladies been around guys that seem to act like they don’t know the lady is interested in them. There is need for everyone to play his or her role to meet a new person with the interest of getting to know the individual. Most times, ladies hold the plug to connect or not; however, there are rules to be followed and guidelines to direct decent, modest and self-respecting ladies to welcoming a guy to them.

1. Smile out your interest: Even if you’re an introvert, just a smile does the trick. The smile welcomes a reciprocal smile and if interest, a conversation. Keep eye contact while smiling to connote “the smile is for you”.
2. Awaken and direct curiosity towards you: Generating a guy’s interest in you is necessary and remember to do this modestly and maturely. You wouldn’t interest any guy if you throw yourself around and there’s no puzzle about you. When a guy is interested to know how your voice sounds, social interests and mind-set, it is because it’s not all out there in the open and that’s good.
3. Make your absence and presence felt: Endeavour to be around but not paying too much attention to him. Been totally out of sight and contact isn’t a good idea; however, you are not to pop up every time he beckons. If he really wants you around, he’ll try every possible means to show you reasons why you should.
4. Note the “use of words”: When in the moderately long communication stage where you two exchange more than just ‘hellos’, his use of words would let you know if he wants you around and to what intimacy level. The subject matter you both converse on and whether or not he tries having ‘personal time’ with you are ways you’ll detect if you are deeply wanted. If he doesn't respect you (which means you wont last with him), you notice from what he calls you. Therefore, listen very well.
5. Seasonal jesting helps: In a case where the person isn’t so familiar with you, when you throw in a joke or point out a reason to laugh together, it reduces the tension and makes it easier to talk to you further.  Humor is a way of showing you are interested.
6. Casually spend time together: Hang out together but just as friends and try not to show too much importance to it because some people respond by acting pricey (i.e. hard to get). It won’t be easy keeping the time you spend together to be minimal, therefore, hang out with other friends too. They’ll help you while away the time and urge.
7. Seasonal time-off: Sometimes you need to intentionally stay away until there’s more attached to the ‘just-friends’ status. This brings you respect and prevents you from appearing desperate. You are to politely act like “I’m interested in you and I have other things doing. You want more time? give me a reason to give you”.
8. Be Authentic: You shouldn’t fake attitude, accents, social life or knowledge. When you are yourself, sooner than you know it, he’ll see how much on an interesting person you are and give himself reason to be with you.

Remember:

if he doesn’t show interest, someone else would come around, beg for your attention and treat you right. You don’t force it.

Common Relationship Errors that lead to crashes

In one of the local newspapers recently, it was reported that a wealthy middle-aged man driving his brand new car plunged into the river and died instantly. Yet, there are traffic sign posts on the highway to inform and to warn motorists of hazards on the road before the river. Curiously, the man died because of his apparent disregard for highway codes. Many jump into relationships like a brand new car and they forget to keep all safety signs. They make many mistakes - some without knowing it, but many are carelessly! Let's see some of the relationship errors they commit...and point to ourselves the 'relationship warning signs'.  

•Getting into relationship because everyone is: Its unfortunate many people know from the onset that there is nothing for them in a relationship with a particular person but still go ahead. Why? Because that's the only available person for now. In such a case as this, many go through hell and some are hard to leave. A relationship without healthy prospects should not be ventured into.

•Non compatibility: Relationships takes two people to walk together, closely and heartily. However, when the way of life of one partner is different from the other and nothing thrills them about each other; that relationship is a bomb waiting to explode on their faces. 

•Lack of priority: Does your partner assume a reasonable priority level in your life if you make a honest personal inventory of how much time and energy you put into the issues and relationships in your life? If not, soon or later, you'll start having complains and its because you never really wanted the relationship. 

•Focused on mistakes: When you concurrently focus on what you don’t like about your partner, the mistakes made, and differences between you two, right in you - there would be more distance that you have psychologically created which would result to i'll-actions. Stop the thoughts and get your mind off the mistakes. 

•Inadequate attention to partner: "where your treasure is, there would your heart be". When partners get swamped by work(profession), events and situations that gets them super busy with their personal lives and they forget to stay connected with their relationship, then soon they would start seeing cracks on the walls! There's need to take some time out and make the other person feel special. 

•Not giving each other space: Time alone is a necessity for relationships to flourish. You need to be missed and your partner needs some time to watch you from afar and observe how wonderful you have been. 

•Zero compromise on little things: You always want to have your way in all things and give no reasoning to the position and wishes of your partner? Let me tell you an 'open secret'; if you don't change, you are gonna wreck that relationship to the extent the pieces won't be found. 

•Expecting your partner to change: That's a wish you shouldn't hold your breath on. Except your partner sees the reason to, wants to and is trying change; let that person be how he is! That's the person you have fallen for and loved.

•Assumptions and suspicions: This is also described as a slow poison. Makes you partner feel victimised in the relationship.   

Inadequate communication: Except you and your partner can perfectly read each other's minds, then you need to open your mouth and talk! Talk right, talk respectfully and be express your heart out. 

Be the change you want to see in your relationship!

Words 1: Words hurt your relationship

Words can be very dangerous ‘things’; equally capable of bringing peace and inciting violence. They get under your skin, they make you feel, they make you hurt, make you love, make you alive. Everyone knows this but many people still dish out harmful words out too much. We all need to be careful of how we choose to use words.

Using harsh communication when relationship seems a bit disturbed; during arguments for instance, partners often resort to name-calling and abundant cursing. Furthermore, ill-speaking of your partner’s family, friends or relatives is also common; calling them names and stressing their downsides really hurts because you are indirectly getting at her. These are how words really drag the relationship south and push partners further apart.

Words that are well seasoned create a thirst in your partner to listen. When you use words that are affirms motivation, your partner listens. Forgiving words increases the ease for your partner to accept their failure and improve. 

Words spell out your inner countenance. If those words are tolerant, then they invite your partner to share his/her world with you. So, choose your words wisely.

BAD ATTITUDES in relationships

“No one is perfect”. That is the popular word on the block when relationships run into bumps. If perfection is however seen as “faultless perfection”, then who is perfect?  

It’s an open secret that we all have faults and downsides, and every human being is unique with special properties and shortcomings. It is essential to recognise some shortcomings a mile away in relationships before actually running into them.

Take a step back and look at yourself; can you bear yourself if you were in a relationship with an exact you? Many say yes but the truth is no. For people with extremely good characters, having another “them” would be too perfect and obnoxious while people that have various bad habits would be too deficient and volatile to live with another “them”.

 

Focusing on bad attitudes

Some bad attitudes are annoying while others are very dangerous. Many people are lucky to discover some bad attitudes in their spouse before too long but give no heed to the warning thinking attitudes can be managed. Sadly they can’t! Behaviours can be managed but not attitudes.

Sofia speaks “...Sean and I were in the eight month of our relationship when I picked his phone to ring mine so it’ll ring out loud because I couldn’t remember where I placed it. As I picked his phone and was scrolling to select my name on his contact, he saw me and thought I was spying on him. There he said, with his most fearful face I had ever seen, ‘next time you pick my phone; I’ll break your hand’. I couldn’t imagine living with someone having that much anger that erupted within seconds and giving no opportunity for explanations.”

Lola speaks “…He complains too much…even for a lady!!”

 

Alex speaks “…she inflates every pain, discomfort and worry. When she had a little cut, I never heard the end of it till it was completely healed and she used it as an excuse not to do anything she doesn’t want to do.”

Grace speaks “…his car was scratched by another road user, nothing major but he wouldn’t let go. He was ready to fight a grown lady with little kids at the backseat of her car. When we left the scene, he also mentioned how displeased he was that I didn’t join his campaign against the defenceless woman.”

Desmond speaks “...she nagged so much for almost anything that goes outside her way or plan for hours. At the sixth month of our relationship, I couldn’t stand the imagination of the living hell of living with her for a lifetime. Just had to call acquits”

Bad attitudes are like flat tires. You can't go anywhere without changing them.

More often than not, approaching many people with the information “you have a bad attitude” in cases of ‘annoying attitude’ typically triggers a defensive response while people with ‘dangerous attitude’ might get angry or even harm the accuser.

Many people have the extreme nagging attitude, drama queen – self-pity, self-doubt, poor self-image, bullying and anger. All these attitudes individually sound bad not to mention bagging them at whatever quantity and bringing them into relationships.

Family, friends, negative environments, an unfulfilled life and discontented state can result to developing bad attitudes. None the less, a person who has discipline, heart, guts, strength, wisdom and determination can triumph above all.

No one can change you or change for you. You will have to do it for you.

In order to correct negative attitudes, understand your bad attitudes and what triggers them, change your mental state not only by positive thinking but positive words also, look for positive aspects of situations instead of dwelling on the negative.

Be at war with your vices; at peace with your virtues, and let every new day find you a better man.