Adultery...Isn't That Ancient??

I laid back in bed last night as I listen to the radio. It seemed perfectly coincidental a call in show about ‘adultery’ was just about to begin. I wouldn’t say it wasn’t. It was quite educative listening to people’s opinions about it. I sat back as the host presented cases of what ifs and what not’s.

“What is adultery?” she started with, and this was her first definition. Quoting the Free Dictionary, adultery is ‘voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a partner other than the lawful spouse’. She thereafter added lots of bible verses I couldn’t keep up with. She (the radio program host) didn’t fail to cite the portion where Jesus said “But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart”.

Quite frankly, from my own perspective, adultery has always sounded like a bible terminology. If I dare go down that path thinking, means the ‘thou shalt not commit adultery’ brain buzzer God commanded the Israelites which is still been reckoned and believed has been in existence for over 5,000 years. Wow!! 

Let’s come back to 2013, do people consider “lusting in the heart” as adultery? This brings to mind the movie “Why Did I Get Married Too”. Particularly where Tyler Perry’s wife (in the movie) had more than just a crush on a lawyer colleague and she from that moment ‘lusted after him in her heart’ though they (she and the lawyer colleague) had no ‘sexual intercourse’. All they did was meet in restaurants, sen flowers and exchanged messages but her husband noticed from the very first day because she had this ‘different glow’. After he (Tyler Perry) was feed up, he confronted her while she was carefully picking out her dress for the next day – because she was going to meet her colleague. Tyler was pissed, at least according to the script- just as most men would have been if they were in that position. So, was Jesus hitting the spot when he expounded ‘heart lusts’ as adultery?

These modern days, adultery has been rebranded to have different names; most common of them is ‘cheating’. Around you, how often do you hear and see people ‘cheat’ their partners? I’m sure it’s quite a lot. Some have even legitimatize cheating by declaring their relationship/marriage to be an open relationship – where each partner has right to “commit adultery” with other people. Is it satisfactory because the arrangement sounds contractually logical and the right goes across the board? I really doubt. Why? A marriage has we have grown to know is between two persons, not three, four or half of the world.

What if the partner is “in any way unfit” to meet sexual obligations, is adultery at that point allowed? Correct me if I’m wrong, isn’t marriage for better and for worse, in sickness and in health? How worse could it be?

No matter what the word on the street is or how people have rubbished the concept of marriage, marriage has and IS always a divine contract between two, for lifetime, through the rough and smooth, to be held up at various moods and (for your good) should grow in affection and commitment.

Choosing A Life Partner (2)

Pursuit of social status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship let alone get married to anyone. If the forces pushing you towards your partner are those, what happens when you have all that? The marriage becomes pointless to you. 

Deciding to marry someone?? Then he/she should have all of these.
 

WHAT KEEPS A MARRIAGE STRONG are:

1. TRUST: From past experiences, how trustworthy has your partner been? Is he/she someone you can trust and can trust you?

2. COMMUNICATION: How much of self-expression transits between the two of you? How easy has it been for you to talk with him/her and do you regret it after you share your mind?

3. INTIMACY: Are you two physically together but you two feel a mile apart? Is there any emotional familiarity when talking or even just standing with him/her?

4. A SENSE OF HUMOR: Is there a unique attribute that makes you smile, wonder and ponder all at once when you have a reflection of him or her?

5. SHARING TASKS: Does he/she give a hand in times when there are duties to be done however hard or easy it is? When you are very active, how involved does he/she get around chores let alone when you’re weak.

6. DAILY EXCHANGES: How often do you share call or love to send notes (texts) to him/her? How important does he/she take the sharing of a meal, activity, hug, touch etc. with you?

7. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS: How interested is he/she in the things that are important and exciting to you? 

8. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE: Do you give each other breathing space or you suffocate each other with your presence?

9. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT: Does his/her actions send reassurance to your psychology making you feel rest assured?

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace.

Choosing A Life Partner (1)

With the divorce rates and number of broken homes up high, many people get to the cross road and ask themselves if they are not making the gravest mistake of their lives. No one in his or her right senses obviously wants to have a failed marriage. It is therefore a common practice for people who reverend the constitution of marriage to ransack the corners of the brain in search of reasons and proofs to justify their decision to get married to that particular marriage.

Bulk of people engaged reply “we are in love” as the first response to why they have chosen to get married to each other. This has ambiguously gone on for decades and many feel it’s the number one prerequisite to marriage but no. A lifetime commitment can’t have only love holding it together. This can’t be and following would be a whole lot of considerations that should be met before “we are in love” surfaces to the lips.

• Sharing the similar purpose in life: She wants to be a career woman sealing million dollar deals while he wants to own a ranch and have not less than four kids. These extremely different two can meet somewhere, love each other’s wits and fall in love, but the possibility of a lifelong marriage between these two is very slim. The goals and dreams of the two partners might not completely overlap on each other, but they must intersect to a very good extent. Ask yourself “what does he/she want in life? Is it any close to what I want in life?” You plan to live long and spend most probably over 30years living with your partner; what are you two going to be sharing together? In marriage, you either grow together or grow apart.
• Sharing yourself with him/her: Communication has been rated has a very vital requirement in a relationship. The question that comes to mind is “what do we share?” Answer: First thing is your ‘feelings and thoughts‘. If you are having issues sharing your deep feelings and intimate thoughts with the person you have chosen to get married to, then you need revise who you plan sharing these most important things with. Many marriages don’t last long because these intimate exchanges are been shared with friends and family instead of spouse.
• His/her interpersonal relationship with people: Seeing your spouse treat others awfully is something that can disappoint, disgrace and even hurt you. How your spouse treats others, like bothersome kids, really old folks, parents, siblings, the poor and sick, especially when you are not there, is something you must know and be comfortable with so you won’t be hit with surprise when he/she shows his or her “true colour”.
• Causing a glow: The way people talk and portray you make you do better than you think you can. Coaches and trainers have a way of boosting the psychological strength of an athlete; same should be the case for the person you want to marry. Bring the best out of you is a primary duty of your partner. How well does he/she do this to you even when his/her own chips are down?  
• Coping with his/her sensitivity: Pressing some people’s buttons can happen so easy and fast compare to others. Can you identify your partner’s button and most importantly cope with their reactions? You need to have experiences of this and have a measure of your reaction to their reaction. Can you keep with him/her?
• Living with that bad habit: That one thing he/she does that you are hoping he/she changes needs to be the beginning of your tolerance for him/her. Can you really live with that bad habit or you are seriously counting on him/her to change? Everyone should try getting better and grow to be accustomed to his/her partner’s lifestyle, trying all your best not to alienate him/her. More so, everyone should and would likewise but this is one thing you shouldn’t count on. A wise advice: expect your partner to change for the worse after marriage. 

 

Never fool yourself while expounding these scenarios to yourself and mediating. In addition, if you do not have enough ‘data’ to go with, postpone walking down the aisle till you do and you’re sure you’re making the right call and not a lifelong error.

 

LADIES: Dating Right in Your 30's

It’s an open secret that age has its ‘push and pull’ effects in the dating arena. Dating from your late 20’s and early 30’s takes a new turn as you emphasis on men with long-term relationship prospects –in other words marriage.
At this age bracket, you don’t place your chips easy and would really not want to get into games with “unserious” men. In many situations, you would need to avoid some emotional reactions that portray you to be insecure, choice-less and most of all desperate. Here are some emphasises you need ponder.

• This is the time you give attention to ‘men’ and not ‘boys’. Men are in search of ladies they can marry while boys are in most cases interested in passing some time before thinking of settling down. There are men that are really ready for a settled life. These men have the basics settled. I’m referring to finances, apartment, stable job and cool manners.
• It’s so better you rather marry a couple of years late than getting married to the wrong person. Many ladies are hooked to the wrong man that hurts them because they married an idealised version of the person they thought they knew. You need time to see beyond what you want to see in a man, therefore, take it slow. Yes you have grown wiser, but you need to be CERTAIN you are not been hasty. Read the signs and take them serious.
• Even though you are getting married late (than you’ll have wished to), you haven’t had had too much alone time. You need to give yourself quality time alone doing things you love and your partner definitely needs it. If you feel he’ll stray away if he’s not usually with you, marrying him doesn’t stop him and that is even worse. Balance up the time you spend with him.
• Some ladies eventually find a man that loves them and they immediately begin operation “moulding him” because they believe “they don’t have enough time”. First, you don’t “moulding him”, because he’s either compactible to you or not. Also, a man isn’t a system you just ‘download’ an operating system into. Finally, sharing what you want, how you live, your dreams and aspirations and listening to him is all you need. Don’t force him to take your sport or watch your type of movie; marriage isn’t a stage to change his personality.

Marriage is about compatibility, understanding, trust, companionship among others. Therefore, relate MORE with men (again I say men) who display this attributes towards you. Then you can see where it goes from there. Importantly, you don’t look for love, love looks for you. You just have to make yourself available to love and be love.

The Truth On a Lighter Note

This is the awkward truth about some husbands married for over five years. There was a group of men gathered at a church conference on "How to live in a loving relationship with your wife". These men were asked, "How many of you love your wife?" And all hands were raised. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your wife you loved her?" Some men answered today, some yesterday, majority didn’t remember. The men were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective wife: I love you, sweetheart. Then the men were told to exchange phones so one can read the other wife's reply to the love message. Here are some of the replies

1. "Have you impregnated someone again?"

2. "That was then,not now!" 

3. "You want borrow money from me..right?"

 4. "What did you do again? I won’t forgive you this time!"

5. "Meaning??"

6. "Is that a new song??"

7. "Am I dreaming??"

8. "If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, you're not sleeping n this house!"

9. "You this man, I told you to stop drinking!!!" 

10. "Sorry, who's this?"

You need some time AWAY from that person you LOVE

Are you worried when your spouse spends some time away from you? Don’t be! Alone time is one of the healthiest times for a genuine relationship to grow. Yes, you read that right! Two people in a relationship spending time apart gives each one the time and space to decompress, think clearly, be secured with their personal  identity outside of the relationship and importantly grow massive trust for each other. You definitely should want your partner to have some time apart and alone to him/herself. This also gives you the opportunity to retreat and think about your relationship while relaxing alone to yourself.

• When you live away from someone you love dearly for some time, you two are still thinking and missing each other, that absence makes the heart grow fonder of your partner/spouse.
• During your time alone, if true love exists in your heart, there would be some things you’ll come up with to do or say when you finally see your partner. These ‘new additives’ reignite the attraction between you and your spouse. This ‘new additives’ might be a new cooking recipe, boosted self-esteem, sweet pet name or adjusting an old bad habit you noticed while alone.
• Restore the ‘fairylike relationship’ you and your partner wished to have after spend time apart and think of how it started and what has changed. By this you can re-live some of the mysterious excitement you had at the early days of your relationship. Now when he comes to pick you up for a date after not seeing you for a few days or couple of weeks, you’ll blow each other’s mind away like you used to. You both would once again be dazzled by how you get yourselves looking pretty.
• Many are times when individuals have been doing things their spouse’s way (or I’ll say the most modest way in order not to alienate your partner), but during that time, you can revisit the awkward way you do things and even do gross things only you can tolerate.
• Time apart helps to avoid the silly fights that are as a result of being with someone every second of the most part of the day and week. Under ordinary circumstances you don’t mind the way he forgets to change the toilet paper, return the toothpaste cap or put his wet towel in the laundry basket, but now that he’s done it the last 31 days in a row! That must be on your last nerve. Your annoyance could turn into a passive-aggressive argument and soon snowball into a huge fight that could have been easily avoided by a weekend off at the 14th day.

No matter how long you’ve been together, 10 months or 10 years, time apart prevent been suffocated from each other. Many relationships (and marriages) have been broken because they were negligent of the secret behind the "time apart". They thought they couldn’t stand each other whereas they only needed time to decompress and re-love. That why a while after some divorcee meet each other, they feel the love they had and wondered what happened to them. Those arguments and thoughts were been bottled for too long.

Long relationships need time apart, time to recess, time to re-evaluate.

If you think ‘time apart’ would make your spouse ‘have a thing’ or run-off with another person, then you never really had him/her.

You need some time away from that person you love but DO NOT induce the time alone with a fight!!!

 

Long, Open-ended but Worthless Relationships

In these modern days, excessively long and directionless relationships frequently have disaster written all over them. Many erroneously think this type of relationship guarantees a promising future but I’m sorry to bust that joy bubble. ‘Long, open-ended’ relationships haven’t turned out to lead to a lasting union and in most cases. It has proven to cause lethal emotional and psychological damage. It is a common practice to be in an ‘intimate’ relationship with someone, frequently tagged boyfriend-girlfriend, and though the relationship goes on for a long time, it still turns out conceptually futureless because at the end when either thinks of settling down for a life time, then there often comes a “shocker”.

To be clear, what type of relationships am I referring to as “long, open-ended relationships”? These are pre-marital relationships without defined primary motive or any laid out classification and expectations. They basically start with “let’s see where it takes us” and they keep going on and on. 

When two people begin a relationship without clearly understanding the purpose, intent and content of the bond between them, that chapter of relationship is next to a “superfluous association”. It is usually been influenced by average societal norms around them – in other words, they are following the crowd. The basic reason for establishing a relationship, what should be shared and the boundaries not to be crossed has to be known.

Some long relationships overtime result to boredom and reluctance to break such relationships most definitely has the propensity of breeding infidelity.  

More often than not, at the end of many months or years, the relationship is often broken off for absurd reasons. In this type of relationship, all the trust, unity, submission and honesty that are shared eventually leads to sexual defencelessness and thanatophobia – fear of the unknown. After that relationship is broken, the residual emotional and psychological vulnerability makes them unconsciously reluctant to dive into such deep relationship again. 

Relationships take much work, understanding, patience and perseverance. Thus, staying with a partner for years isn’t going to be all roses; there would be misunderstandings and sacrifices. Therefore, when a relationship is running into years, first, here should be a picture-able, foreseeable future ahead affirming the partners aren’t dummies holding on for nothing and secondly would also keep them fighting on. 

It is understandable that the compatibility between two people and the length of the Pre-marital relationship conceived cannot be forecasted in most cases, however, when a relationship grows longer turning into two years and more, it is imperative both partners sit to come up with a prospective plan based on what they want from each other.  

LIFE COUNSELS: Sharing and showing love

Are you rich and beside you resides the poor but you resist calling them your neighbour? You are bound to love them. It’s a very common thing that the society calls the poor “inferiors”. On an open platform I ask, ‘in what are they inferior?’ They are far more equals than your inferiors. You are by no means better than they – except you measure your humane worth by your material riches. They are men, and what are you more than that? Be cautious that you love your neighbours most especially the less privileged in rags and poverty. 

But perhaps you say “I cannot love my neighbours, because for all I do, they return ungratefulness and hatred.” Where’s the heroism of love these days?? It’s the person that dares the most that’ll win the most. If the part to showing love is rough, it should be one that we should tread with boldness and joy; loving our neighbours through thick and thin.

Communal love used to be a standard humane attribute but it seems to have been drastically depleted these days. Animals have been seen on several occasions to be showing love not only to members of their species but to other species; how much more we humans? How much more you and I?

OPINION: Long Term Betrayal!

Lincoln speaks:
I left home – Johannesburg three months ago because I was feeling so suffocated; away from Lynda my ex – girlfriend whom I was suppose to marry a month ago.
Lynda and I had been together for seven years and we lived together all through. My family got to meet her during the first year but never really liked her- guess they saw something I didn’t – but notably voiced their opinion in the third year. Prior to that time, rumours had been in the air that “my girlfriend wasn't who I thought she was” but I never entertained those rumours for the past five years because I thought talebearers were just being jealous.

Decayed secrets came to open five months ago when I had to go on an official three weeks trip to kokstad but returned earlier than expected. On getting back, I couldn’t find Lynda at home and there decided to go see Ken – my ‘supposed’ friend who lives about 40mins from my house. On getting there, Ken appeared oddly unsettled and was persuading me to leave because he had a guest. Just as I decided to be on my way out, the “guest” unaware of my presence strolls out of the bedroom casually and dressed topless with just boxers.
That event unfolded many others, one of which revealed the three year old girl I had fathered from birth isn’t my biological daughter. I felt too ashamed and betrayed but had to face my family and inform them I had cancelled the wedding. I lost my friends, money and became a laughing stock in the community I grew up.
For the first time in my life, I felt what it meant for the ‘world around me to come crumbling down’. I got so depressed, over a thousand times I considered suicide as a way as a way out but I knew I was just feeling I wanted to die, whereas in reality, I want to be saved.

OPINION: What is wrong with my husband??

JESSICA SPEAKS: 

It’s just little over six months that Sam and I got married. We were so happy just as all appeared to be falling into place. He’s respectful and listens, funny and loving, very selfless and wise. Sam’s an accountant that had just been working little over a year at the firm till they went into a recession and had to shed some staffs. Though I am working, Sam’s job brought in most of the family income. Three months after marriage, he was jobless and had really been trying to get another job. The economy isn’t easy and I know that but my husband doesn’t seem to like the scenario he can’t take care of his family financially. Most of his saving had gone into the wedding ceremony, housing and family set up. The other saving he had, we spent on family upkeep and his mother’s hailing health hoping he was going to get another job much soon. 

A week over six months that Sam had lost his job, we were depending on my earnings while Sam was running into periodic state of sadness, hopelessness and helplessness, guilt, low self-esteem, extreme irritation and tolerance, low motivation and worry, then I found out I was a month pregnant. I was initially happy until I thought of the probable response I’ll get from Sam. I however couldn’t place it to be either joyful or gloomy. At the end of the very day I found out, I told my husband. He smiled for some flicks of seconds and after some minutes of blank stares; he retorted that I abort my baby! “Abort my child??” I replied. He looked that me with an unemotional face and said “yes, abort the baby. We don’t have money to support a baby now. When things get better, we’ll have one then.”

Has my husband gone mad? Well, this madness is over a week now and I can’t just seem to find the man I married in Sam. 

Can someone please tell me “What is going on??”